If you happened to see me this afternoon banging on my steering wheel while singing All Too Well by Taylor Swift at the top of my voice…no, you didn’t.
Wait…actually, you did.
I won’t be a part of the culture that tells us we shouldn’t feel what we feel. That our feelings, if not considered appropriate or confusing, should be kept under cover.
I’m having confusing feelings as of late. About what, you ask?
I know you didn’t ask but I’m going to tell you anyway.
Irrational feelings of anger towards my ex (not husband). We broke up seven months ago and I can count on one hand the times I’ve been angry in the months following the break up. And I would only need a one-fingered hand to count.
The prompting of this irrational anger was hearing from an unnamed source that he was dating.
Here comes the irrationality…I am in a new relationship. Really new but a healthy and happy one.
So why, if I am happy do I feel such anger? Am I that petty? Do I really want another human being to be miserable? No, of course I don’t. I’m not bitter but I am, however, one truly pissed off woman.
I’ve processed these feelings and came up with the following explanation. It is completely normal to feel like this. And maybe that’s the lesson I want everyone to take from this blog. Feelings don’t need to be apologized for.
I feel what I feel so deal with it. I’m saying that more to myself than anyone else. I’m giving myself permission to feel what I feel without guilt.
There is nothing more dangerous to the sanity of a person than being told not to feel something because it’s wrong. Sure, there are exceptions but I’m talking about the normal feelings we have.
My immediate reaction to being so angry was that it meant I wasn’t happy in my current relationship.
Wait…hold up…I said to myself. Let’s unpack that statement. I am happy. I’m really happy. We have a wonderful time together. We talk about anything and everything. He challenges me. He’s stable. He’s kind. He’s an amazing father. He’s a man of integrity and character.
So, it’s simply not true that I am angry because I’m unhappy. Moving on…
I must be angry because I want my ex back. I don’t even need to unpack that bag. I’ll just throw the whole bag off a bridge. I do not want to get back together. I ended it for very valid reasons and have no desire to place my heart nor my mind in that situation again. I can go my whole life without being lied to again and it will be too soon. Two years of consistent lying makes it easy to walk away.
So, that’s not the reason either.
What I’ve landed on, and this could change but I don’t think so…he is about to be the person I wanted him to be for someone else after I waited two years for him to be that person for me.
After sitting with this feeling for a while, I’ve realized that’s it’s simply not true. Leopards don’t change their spots. Is that unfair? Yes, he could possibly change but I don’t believe he will ever be the person I wanted him to be because that person doesn’t exist inside of him.
He is who he is to me. Whatever he is to her doesn’t matter. I have no idea her expectations or deal breakers in relationships.
I will have no idea what will happen in that relationship and thank the good Lord above for that. Ignorance is bliss.
So, I will lay in my hammock and be angry for a little bit. It will fade. And I won’t feel guilty because my feelings are valid.
And to the new woman in his life..good luck. May he be for you what you need and want. For me, I want more than what he could give. And for that reason, I smile at knowing that I am knowing I am no longer in a relationship that didn’t work for me.
And for anyone feeling like they shouldn’t be feeling a certain way…screw it. You are who you are and that’s ok.
A Girl and Her Goat 