2012: A Year In Review

I know, I know.  Another obligatory New Year’s Eve post about everything that happened in 2012.  I’ll try not to bore you.  It’s just this post feels different.  Maybe because the person I thought I was at the beginning of 2012 is not the person I am at the end of it.  This year has radically changed the way I think about life….mine and others.  I’ve always been intrigued by Paul Simon’s Slip Slidin’ Away.  “You know the nearer your destination, the more you’re slip slidin’ away.”  I feel like maybe I’ve been slip sliding for a while even though I thought I was closer to where I should be.  I’m a firm believer that you are who you are.  You may hide it, try to change it, but in the end, you are you.  I’m going to be a little less shy about people seeing the real me.

These are the things that I know for sure:

1. I love the family I was given.  I used to be concerned about the house being clean, the beds being made, getting breakfast on the table before school as opposed to shoving it in their faces as we race for the bus, but I’ve learned this year that I really don’t need to do those things all the time. Granted, I can’t leave the house a disaster or never feed my kids, but I can relax a little.  My love for them may not look like your love for your children but it doesn’t mean that I don’t adore them.  So, I may not volunteer at school as much as I should or cook as many homemade meals as I should but I look at my children every day like they are the best gifts in the world and I tell them everyday how much I love them.

2. I love the family that I’ve made.  This has been a year of tumultuous friendships for me.  I’ve lost some friends.  Though when one or two went away, one or two more came into my life and for this I am eternally grateful.  I’ve learned that I am nothing without these women that have blessed my life this year.  Of the friends I lost I know who I wanted to stay gone and whom I wanted desperately back in my life.  And that has happened.  All is right in the friend world.   So, to these women, who on a daily basis make me laugh and feel loved, thank you.  I’m so grateful to have friends who don’t judge and love me for me.

3. I like to have a good time.  There I said it.  For years, I mean years, I spent my time trying to behave.  I really did.  Didn’t touch a drop of alcohol for the better part of my 20s or most of my 30s for that matter. I kept my language fairly clean.   It’s exhausting and, frankly, not who I am at my core.  Like or not, I love to have a good time.  I drink too much sometimes, I say fuck too much all the time, I like to cause trouble sometimes, I have a dirty mind, I like to watch Channing Tatum dance half naked, I like to think about Channing Tatum fully naked, I like to go to frat parties with my friends, I like to flirt sometimes, I love making my friends laugh and if it means being radically inappropriate to do so, so what.  It’s me and I’m done apologizing.

4. I know that despite all the things I do wrong that I am at the core a nice person.  I care for others, I cry for their pain and I laugh at their joy. I try to help others when I can.  I’m an intense person.  I love hard and I play hard.   So, if you find my behavior inappropriate, don’t watch.  Because I guarantee you it’s only going to get worse in 2013 🙂

5. The final lesson I’ve learned in 2012 is that I’m much stronger that I thought I was. This year was not easy by any stretch of the imagination.  Cancer, burns, broken bones, broken souls, little lives lost, senseless acts of violence, watching my friends go through unimaginable heartache.  I’ve made it through and have no doubt that I will continue to do so.

I am grateful for the lessons learned, the belly laughs and the tears shed in 2012. It’s made me feel more confident in who I am. I am a work in progress. I will try to do better but I can almost guarantee that I will screw up royally from time to time.

Here’s to a fabulous 2013! And in the immortal words of my dear friend Desiree Care, via her Facebook page:

“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…” ― Alfred Tennyson
Goodbye, 2012. Now get the hell out.

 

 

 

The Mommy Blues

Yikes… I said it.  I’m going to completely admit it right now.  I have them.  I have the mommy blues.  Shit. I wasn’t even sure what this feeling was until my bestie described in incredible detail everything I’ve been feeling for the last month of my life.   I feel horrible for feeling this way.

Before I put these feelings into words, let me put them into pictures.

This is how I feel now:

This is how I want to feel:

Let me start by saying that, like most mothers, I love my children more than my own life.  I wouldn’t hesitate to throw my life down for them.  They are the reason I breathe.  My whole heart worn on the outside of my body.  But that doesn’t mean that some days the thought of doing one more load of laundry doesn’t make me want to run from the house screaming.  Or that if I have to put the fruit loops in the bowl, dump milk in the bowl, get a spoon for the bowl, and clean up the milk after they dump it out of the bowl that I won’t want to knock myself out using the bowl.

I knew I had them because  instead of putting Justin Bieber on for Maddie I put on the Femmes as loud as I could.  And I started saying fuck, like all the time.  Never around them.  Well, okay, around them but under my breath.  That’s when I knew I was in trouble.  You see, fuck is my favorite curse word.  I love to say it but know that its wrong. There are better ways to express yourself than using foul language…blah, blah, blah.  I really only throw it around, and all the variations of it, when I’m feeling a little naughty. Fuck makes me feel young.  It makes me feel like its okay that I’ve started finding gray hairs.  And like I’m not lame for wanting to go to bed at 8 pm.

So,why do I suddenly feel this burst of discontent?  No freaking clue. It could be the year I’ve had.  Second degree burns, broken bones, cancer….all of those caused me a little stress this year. (insert sarcastic tone indicating that this is the understatement of the year) But the burns and bones healed.  My mother is cancer free and I’m wiped out.  Emotionally exhausted. Life is short.  We all know this.  In light of recent events, we all know how fleeing life can be.  I don’t want to feel this way knowing that life is so short.

I was willing to go on pretending , but what good would that do.   If I sit silently, will that help anyone else feel better? If my friend hadn’t validated all my feelings, I would be still be feeling like shit. I’m grateful for my friends that help me see that just because the mommy blues have appeared that I’m not a bad mother.  I’m a real person. With real feelings.

Great.  Jane just spilled her milk…fudge.  See, I feel better already.