Top Ten Things I loved about this last dance competition…

This past Saturday, we had a dance competition in Philadelphia.  It lasted 13 hours.  Let me repeat that….13 HOURS!! I arrived at 9:00 am and left at 10:00 pm.  This is the best of those 13 hours….

10.  The guy in the Captain America pants.  The stage manager wore Captain American pants.  Well, not the entire outfit, but he did wear black pants with a Captain America belt, which annoyed me greatly, because (a) the pants didn’t fit properly which led me to (b) stare at his ass all day.  I was not staring because it was a nice ass.  I was staring because the pants made his ass look just plain wrong.   To top it off, literally, he had a white gangsta hat on, what I believe to be, his balding head.  I was willing to give him a pass on his hat because he was funny.  I like funny.  But, by the end of the night, the pants were annoying and he replaced the hat with a blue hat that lit up. Pass revoked!

9. Spontaneous cursing.  If you put even the nicest dance mom in a room for 13 hours and force her to watch 4 hours of lyrical dancing by emotional teenagers to wrist-slitting music, she will curse.  My favorite of the night…..It’s 8-f***ing:30, a**hole, walk!

8.  By hour 12, my teeth began to feel weird.  At first, I thought it was because I hadn’t brushed them in 14 hours, but then I realized that I felt like they were falling out because I had aged so much in the hours I sat watching dances.

7. My new career as a judge.  I think I have found my calling.  I plan to pursue my new career path so that I may write on some child’s score sheet, “WTF?” and “The peeing on the tree move is not good.”

6. The studio that won everything. Okay, they didn’t win everything, but they won a lot.  It’s hard not to win when you had 150 students competing.  We believe they recruit their dancers in utero or they may have some class and wait until the babies come out in the delivery room.  They were awesome and it was a pleasure to watch them dance…the first 50 times. The next 50 times…not so much.

5. The announcing of awards at the end of the evening.  They talked extremely fast and, as one mom put it, “I can’t understand him. He sounds like he has a mouth full of turds.”

4. The anime convention next door.  I don’t need to say anything else about this.  Except…

3. The looks on the kids’ faces when men dressed up as Pikachu walked past us with women dressed up as Wonder woman.  Inside joke coming up…”Come be a regular.”

2. Spontaneous mocking.  If you put a semi-smart ass, fully witty teenager on stage after 13 hours of dancing and then ask her to jump around to Bieber music, she will in fact mock the m.c. when she gets up to accept her award.  This could have been the best moment of the night if it weren’t for….

1. The joy I got from watching my daughter and all my students at the competition.  It wasn’t even the winning that made me proud.  It was a drama-free, fun day with kids who genuinely like each other, support each other and like to dance.  That was my best moment….and the silly string fight in the parking lot 😉

Happy Birthday to me….

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear…., Oh shut up….not very nice of me, but really what I long to shout at people as they sing to me.  Why?  I have no clue.  I can’t stand celebrating my birthday.  I can already hear the “wise” words coming from my reading audience….getting older is better than the alternative or you’re so young or wait ’til you’re my age…..or my favorite….smile, it’s your birthday.  SHUT UP!

Okay, let me clarify myself.  I don’t have a problem with getting older. I have a problem with the celebration or non-celebration that surrounds my birthday.  That’s right…I get mad if we celebrate;  I get mad if we don’t celebrate.  Most of you are now wondering how my husband can win in a situation like this.  Truth is…he can’t.  No one in my family can and for that I am sorry.  I do not understand where these feelings come from but I have them.

This year, despite my better judgment, I went to an “egg” party at my mother’s house.  It was not a birthday party.  It was a party to dye easter eggs.  We just happened to celebrate the painting of easter eggs by having cake and singing Happy Birthday to me.  Clever of them to disguise the birthday party this way.  I am looking forward to seeing how they get around it next year since my birthday will not be two days before Easter.

The current working theory on why I hate my birthday so much is that I really just want to be sitting on a beach somewhere and I never am .  The one thing I was very excited about this year was shopping.  Since building the house, we’ve been on a budget. So, random shopping has not been an option.  I did, however, receive some money from my parents and was super excited to go by myself something.  I didn’t care what it was.  The only requirement I had was that I didn’t need it but I wanted it.  I was all set to hit the stores after my trip to the podiatrist.

See, my toenail fell off. [Insert ewww noises here]  This is a part of life when you are a 37 year-old dance teacher.  I’m old.  My body parts are old.  When I’m in class teaching, in my mind I’m 18. In reality, my body is much older and doesn’t appreciate what I try to make it do.  Back to the toenail.  It fell and off and was growing back so I decided to head to the doctor to make sure it was growing back properly. I thought it would be a quick 15 minute trip.  I would be in and out and off to the store.  Ummm…yeah…not so much.

Turns out my toenail is not growing in properly and chances are it’s not going to.  Great!  I love going into flip-flop season with only 9 of my 10 toenails! That’s sexy.  While I was there I decided I should mention that heel pain I’ve been having.  Here’s how it went:

Me: So, sometimes my heel hurts.

Dr. Foot (okay, that’s not his real name, but I can’t remember it): How long have you had this heel pain?

Me: umm….3 or 4 years.

Dr. Foot: (laughs uncomfortably as if I’m telling some really weird joke) Are you serious?

Me: yep

Dr. Foot: Well, how bad does the pain get?

Me: Ummm…sometimes I can’t walk on it.  (I said this smiling because I began to realize how ridiculous it sounded)

Dr. Foot: I think it’s best to do an x-ray.

Me: Great.

Dr. Foot took an x-ray and I watched the time available to shop dwindle as I waited.  Dr. Foot came in an announced that he had good news! Great, I thought,  I can leave!  Turns out the good news was that I didn’t have a fracture.  No, turns out I just have a bone spur and arthritis in the toe that doesn’t have a toenail!  Yay me!! So, he told me to get better shoes, take a lot of ibuprofen to reduce the inflammation and that I needed inserts for my shoes.  So, guess what I spent my birthday money on. That’s right…I bought myself a really sexy, little black foot insert. Two of them to be exact.

Next year, it’s me and the beach. We are going to celebrate my birthday properly.  With sand and cocktails.