His name was….wait. I’m not telling. Some of you know him. It was 8th grade and I thought this boy hung the moon and made the sun rise and set by his mere presence on the planet. I had it bad. I loved everything about him. The way he smiled. How his hair fell in front of his eyes when he put his head down during class. I was crushing hard.
Fast forward 30 some years and I can’t even remember his name. Wait, that’s a lie. I do. And thanks to Facebook, I now know where he lives, what he does for a living, who he married and what his children look like.
What I know from my days of crushing on him was that I lived in a perpetual state of existence that vacillated between exhilaration and devastation. Every move he made, every word he spoke I dissected as if it all had some sort of relation to my place in the world. It never occurred to me that nothing he did had any intended effect on me because he never thought about me. His thoughts and actions were not meant to send me shooting towards the heavens so I could float on clouds and then send me crashing down to earth in a fiery blaze.
Alas, that’s what a crush does. Crushes do exactly what they say they are going to do. They crush you. I generally think there are three types of crushes: younger, older and the “this just sucks” type of crush. When you’re younger and you find that first crush, it’s all so innocent. Most of the time you just admire them from a distance. Circling around them like blue birds waiting to dress Cinderella. You want to be in their presence.
There’s little contact. Except in your head. In your head, you play out every chance meeting, what you’ll say, what you’ll wear, how you’ll smile. Most of the time, this doesn’t happen as you planned or at all. One day, he’ll get a girlfriend or you’ll hear through the grapevine that he’s crushing on someone else and the fall from heaven occurs.
This is how crushes worked when I was in middle and high school. I can’t fathom what it’s like in today’s age of snapchat, twitter, facebook, kiki or whatever that shit is called. You have immediate access to your crush all the time.
And with that immediate access can come immediate devastation. Take for example a story I heard from one of my younger friends. They were crushing on someone and had been enjoying what could be construed as flirting via snapchat. Things were going well.
He sends her a snapchat asking her to get together. Great. Only she can’t. She politely declines and they exchange a few more flirty snaps. Twenty minutes later, she gets a snapchat from her crush asking her to come over. Say what?
This is where she thinks he’s made some mistake and he has. He didn’t mean to send it to her. He’s going down his list of girls he knows are crushing on him and seeing which one is going to come over and make him happy. Total devastation brought to you by your crush.
Crushing in your 20s is hard. When the crush knows you’ve got it bad and they use it for their own gain. Horrible.
The last type of crush is the “this just sucks” crush. This is when you have a crush and you find our your crush has a crush on you and for whatever reason you can’t be together. Wrong place, wrong time. You get to endure the ache of what might have been.
This is the worst type. Hands down. There’s nothing like sitting around wondering what it would be like to cuddle up with them at night or to wake up to their face in the morning. To wonder if being with them would have been as fantastic as you imagined it all those times in your head. To be able to say everything you’re feeling.
So, this is what I want my kids to know, crushes are horrible. I mean like kick you in the teeth horrible. They will make you feel miserable in the end. But one day, it will all work out. You crush on them. They crush on you. The timing is right and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, ever after anyway.
I found this quote on Instagram the other day and it really made me think. Lies. This is filled with lies. Sometimes you are thinking about someone you can’t have and maybe there’s a reason for that. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of keeping you from getting crushed far worse than having a crush.