Sweet Jesus, I’m about to go bat shit if I don’t start feeling like myself soon. It’s been months and nothing. I can’t seem to shake this feeling. The feeling that things aren’t quite the way they should be.
I was so content. So at peace. There was a day in November that if I could have lived over and over again, I would have. It was bliss. At home with the family. Nothing special going on. Just being. I can remember the tiniest detail of that day and yet for some inexplicable reason, I can’t seem to recapture that feeling of contentment. What happened? Life is essentially the same. Same beautiful kids, same attentive husband. The same. Everything’s the same. And I feel guilty as hell being unsatisfied.
Because everything’s the same as it was on that blissful day in November I can only infer that the change has occurred in me. The feeling of discontent grows from within. Something’s off. I used to wake up feeling like I could conquer the world. I used to wake up feeling like I was the best thing to ever happen to me. Sounds conceited, doesn’t it? But I loved myself. I rocked.
These days I much more likely to wake up feeling like I’m a disaster waiting to happen. Walking on eggshells except that I’ve thrown them down. I wake up in my own head. Self centered, self obsessed. And when you’re off, that’s not a fun place to reside.
Fuck the mommy blues. That’s not it. I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. No anxiety. I’m just fucking sick of being in my own skin right now. I feel like I’m on the verge of something. Something grand. Maybe. Something mediocre? Possibly.
Could be something piss poor at this point…I just need something to happen. Shake me up. I feel scared to utter these words because I don’t want to invite disaster. In fact, disaster, consider yourself uninvited from the party I call my life. I’m inviting something awesome to come to me. So, universe, I’m open… bring it.
It’s days like this when I regret having this blog. When the rain is falling and the sky is gray and the call to write is loud and in my face and I’m feeling honest. Bad combination.