I don’t think there is enough adequate warning for how random my thoughts are going to be today. It all began last night when I started watching Spanglish and ended this afternoon as I sat in Panera trying to work on a way to incorporate juggling, ball walking, sword swallowing, and contortionists into a dance number.
Let’s get going. I have an attraction to Adam Sandler which for the most part leaves my friends completely confounded. I don’t blame them for not understanding. I don’t really understand to tell you the truth. In his more serious roles, he has a vulnerability that I appreciate.
So, last night I got on Netflix and turned on one of my favorites, Spanglish. How cute is he in this? Doting, devoted dad who is also a chef. I can’t take it. My love for Adam Sandler is not the point of my story. He says something to Flor. Something that stuck with me.
And it was not that beautifully written monologue where he tells Flor of his feelings. No, he says to her….if someone like you thinks that you are at a crossroads, then you are. Or something like that.
Do we recognize when we are at a crossroads in our life? I can think of only two times I really found myself questioning and wondering what I was doing and where my life was headed. First, after college. That’s a given. You’ve spent 18 or so years with your parents, 4 years with your friends and now you are an adult. Really, on your own. You’ve chosen a career, hopefully, and just praying that somehow you haven’t fucked up every decision that has led you to adulthood.
The second was after my divorce. Husbandless, childless, creeping towards 30. Enough said.
Lately though, I find myself on the brink of something. My husband might call it insanity. Truth be told, I call him crazy for putting up with me. I think it is a combination of events that has led me here. To the proverbial fork in the road.
Without a doubt turning 40 confused me. I’m not calling myself old. I am just not as young as I once was. When you realize that both your 20s and 30s are over, it can be a little….jolting. Combine that with the fact that my kids are also getting older. Now, before the mommies out there start harping on the fact that my kids need me more than ever, let me say….I know that. I’m not all suggesting that I’ve stopped parenting because they are more self sufficient. I am simply saying that I have more free time these days because they don’t need me to do every little thing for them.
Hell, my 11 year old cooks dinner for us. I am not constantly running after little children making sure they are not going to hurt themselves. I field questions like can I go there? Can she come over here? Why isn’t the wifi working? All while eating homemade vegetable lo mein that the redhead has whipped up after school.
I have time. My kids go to school full time. I’m at home. Now, I work. I have three very random jobs and they keep me occupied most of the time. But can I tell you what it’s like to be a writer? Lonely. Except for the conversations I have with the characters in my head I don’t likely speak to another person for 8 hours a day. It’s isolating and can cause you to really examine your life.
All of this ran through my head this morning before I got out of bed all because I watched Spanglish. And to really rub salt in the wounds I had a dream last night that I was making out with Ryan Seacrest underneath is radio dj desk thing. I didn’t even dream of Adam….Sandler or Levine…doesn’t matter to me.
Ready for the next random part of my story? I came to Panera this afternoon to eat soup and work on the next musical I am choreographing. As I sat there, sipping and thinking about if I could find someone to juggle while walking on giant balls, I began to think about the crossroads Adam Sandler spoke of.
I am standing. In the road. In front of the fork. Part of me just wants to turn around and go back the way I came. The rational part knows that can’t happen. Life keeps moving forward. The problem I’m having is knowing what lies on each path. I don’t know. Does anyone? Probably not unless they are trying to decide on something specific….job choice, marriage, etc.
As I was contemplating this thought, I was brought back to reality by an older couple praying over their lunch. They held hands, said their prayer and ate in companionable silence. It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t that they had nothing to talk about it. It was that they chose to sit and eat. It blew me away. I don’t even pee anymore without checking my phone.
At the end of the day, end of the month, end of the year, end of my life I want to sit with people who love me. In silence if I choose. In loud obnoxious laughter. I want to watch sunsets and sunrises. I want to travel. I want to listen to really good music. I want to watch my kids be happy in life. I want to be content.
So, my point if I have one, which is looking doubtful, is that does it matter which path I choose as long as I meet the right people along the way?