Mission…Impossible?

FullSizeRender

I stumbled across this on Instagram the other day.  No idea who authored it.  Only 17 words and 3 puncuation marks and yet it made enough of an impact on me to save it, ponder it and, now, write about it.

The first two words jumped off my screen; capturing my attention immediately.  Your mission.  My first thoughts….my mission?  I have a mission.  I have a mission?  Do I have a mission?  I don’t think I have a mission.  I don’t have a mission, do I?  I don’t have a mission.  No mission for me.  Nope. <Anyone who knows me well knows this is how fast my brain works all the damn time>

Be so busy.  Next thought…nailed it.  I couldn’t get any busier if I tried and, trust me when I tell you, I’ve tried.  One husband, two kids, one dog, 11 chickens, two rabbits, two cats, three jobs, one blog, one obsession for poetry writing, and a partridge in a pear tree.  Had to throw in a Christmas reference. Sorry and let me issue this warning now…a Christmas blog is coming.

I barely have time most days to sit and just be.  Without thinking. Without wondering what else I could be doing or should be doing.  So I’ve nailed the “being so busy” part.

Loving your life.  Oh….be so busy loving your life.  Had to stop and think about that one.  I do love my life.  I have been blessed with incredible people to love, a roof over my head, food on my table, coffee at the ready, dancing, writing. I could go on. And on. And on.  I’m grateful.

But, what stopped me in my tracks, what made me sit and think about this picture, was the the next thought that entered my mind.  Am I so busy loving my life?  Or am I so busy doing other things that I fail to appreciate all the little wonders that appear before me every day?

Shit.  There’s a real possibiltity that the question I asked myself could be answered with a resounding yes.  When was the last time, I woke up in the morning, sat on the couch, coffeee in hand and enjoyed the fire in front of me.   Can’t remember.

When was the last time I walked along the trail and stopped to take in the sights, smells, and sounds.  Well, let’s see.  There was that one time…no…wait.  Just the other day I stopped and…nope.  I’m usually thinking aobut how I should be running or should be home doing something else.

So far, I’m failing.  Mission – nope.  Busy – yes.  Busy loving your life – nope.  Fuck.  Sorry.  I really try not to curse but I can’t help it.  I’m never good at editing myself in person and even though when I write I possess the power to backspace and delete, I don’t.  It’s me.  Get over it.

Moving on….you have no time for hate, regret or fear.  I don’t hate.  I used to.  I hated people and certain situations.  It took getting older and wiser to realize that having hate inside of you only does damage to your internal happiness not to anyone externally.

Regret.  Double edged sword for me. I try to live my life without feeling regret.  And I can say that I rarely ever regret my actions.  I act on my gut. In the moment.  Doing what feels right.  Trying to experience everything that is put in my path.

What I do regret is how my actions affect others. Or is it effect.  As long as I live I will never get those two right.  I do regret when I’ve hurt others because I haven’t thought about how my regret free actions impact those who have chosen to love me.

Fear.  Yikes.  I fear.  I fear all the time.  I fear the tangible. Heights. Bugs. Birds.  I fear what I cannot touch.  I fear failing.  I fear being hurt.  Hurting others.  I’m a walking contradicition, I know.  I fear letting people in who can change my life.  I fear change.

I’m all right with all of this because I try not to let the fear stop me.  That’s where the no regrets part comes in.  My desire to live life without regret outweighs my fears.

At the end of the day, I’m not nailing this mission.  Yes, I’ve made it my mission. I’m doing the best I can.  I am a work in progress.  I’m okay with that.

It’s a beautiful madness.  And it’s all mine.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s